Michael Bublé – Hollywood – Gluten-Free Cupcake
I have yet to come across a Michael Bublé song that I found inappropriate. Now, this doesn’t mean that he is 100% certified gluten-free, but I would highly recommend him as a family friendly artist.
His song Hollywood is an example of a song that is not only appropriate, but constructive to listen to. That’s right, folks. Five out of five cupcakes. A lovely Gluten-Free Cupcake.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
Could you be a teenage idol?
Could you be a movie star?
When I turn on my TV
Will you smile and wave at me
Telling Oprah who you are?
The song starts out perfectly innocent, establishing a picture of Hollywood and celebrities that we can all agree with without feeling anything objectionable.
So you want to be a rock star
With blue-eyed bunnies in your bed?
Well remember when you’re rich
That you sold yourself for this
You’ll be famous ‘cuz you’re dead
Suddenly being famous isn’t quite so great anymore! While this first part about promiscuity is often looked at as an upside of being a celebrity, the second part of the verse immediately assures us that this is not the path we should be taking.
So don’t go higher
For desire
Put it in your head
Baby, Hollywood is dead
You can find it in yourself
Truly fantastic. A great stand against the industry, which unfortunately has many a time driven celebrities into trouble. And, of course, we have a final line that applies to the rest of us non-celebrities: look inside yourself for happiness.
Or whatever else this mystical “it” is.
I don’t want to take you dancing
When you’re dancing with the world
You can flash your caviar
And your million dollar car
I don’t need that kind of girl
This is a stellar verse. Not only does this song advocate setting standards for yourself, but also setting standards for the people close to you, especially someone you’re romantically involved with.
But could you be the next sensation?
Oh, will you set the latest style?
You don’t need a catchy song
‘Cause the kids will sing along
When you sell it with a smile
These last three lines comment on a quite interesting and true phenomenon in the music industry: the ability of the public to pick up low quality songs as long as they contain celebrities and/or shock value.
So don’t fly higher
Oh, don’t fly higher
For your fire
Put it in your head
Baby, Hollywood is dead
You can find it in yourself
Keep it in your head
Hollywood is dead
This variation on the chorus is more of the same, with a notable push at the end for the public to remember the deadness that often accompanies fame.
Well, you can do the money tango
You can start your little band
You can swing from vine to vine
While the kiddies wait in line
With the money in their hands
But if you get to California
Save a piece of gold for me
And if it’s the only thing you’ll save
Then I’ll bet you’ll never wave
When I watch you on TV
Now we have a series of comments on the “money tango” of fame. This verse not only criticizes the focus on collecting money from consumers, but it also warns of the damaging effect of wealth on a person’s personality.
Keep on loving what is true
And the world will come to you
You can find it in yourself
Love what is true
And the world will come to you
You can find it in yourself
And thus we conclude with a final call to the audience! Love the true and good things in life! Don’t run after fame! Make your own way in life! Be yourself! Inspiration is flying all over the place.
This song touches on so many important messages. It rejects sex, money, and fame as means of happiness, and instead advocates truth, ethics, and individuality. These themes may seem simple and obvious, but you would never have guessed that by turning on the radio. This Hollywood has lovely lyrics, all sung by a lovely, lovely voice.
Oh.
And the music video is hilarious.
Katy Perry – Teenage Dream – Crumbs
I love Glee and Darren Criss just as much as the next person, but I also have to admit that this song really isn’t constructive. In fact, it’s pretty destructive, since it adds to the flood of media telling teenagers what their dream life is.
The lyrics actually seem pretty innocuous at first, so let’s take a closer look.
You think I’m pretty
Without any makeup on
You think I’m funny
When I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me
So I let my walls come down, down
So far so good. Love based on more than appearance: check. The reasons for loving him (I’m assuming it’s a him, though the song doesn’t specifically say) are a bit shallow, and seem to be more based on him complimenting her rather than his actual qualities, but this is more nitpicky than anything.
Before you met me
I was alright, but things
Were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You’ll be my Valentine, Valentine
This verse is quite sweet, and it’s fantastic that he touched the artist and changed her life so wonderfully.
Let’s go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I will be young forever.
Um. What?
Now, opinions vary on the right time to have sex, and my personal opinion isn’t quite relevant at the moment. The main thing is that teenagers are already bombarded by the message that sex driven by love in the heat of the moment is perfectly fine and has no consequences. “No regrets”? I’m sure that some teenagers have had sex and gone on to be quite happy and free from regret, but there are also many others who have deeply regretted their decision. It seems irresponsible to propagate the myth that sudden decisions about sex probably won’t have negative consequences.
And despite the wonders of plastic surgery, people cannot stay young forever. If sex is involved, it seems like it’s about time to grow up.
You make me
Feel like I’m living a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can’t sleep
Let’s run away and
Don’t ever look back
Don’t ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now, baby, I believe
This is real
So take a chance and
Don’t ever look back
Don’t ever look back
It just keeps getting worse. By the sounds of it, the artist is not a teenager herself, and yet believes that what she is describing is the dream situation for a teenager.
And that’s exactly the problem. It’s a dream. In this dream situation, two teenagers fall madly in love and will love each other forever and have passionate sex and run away from home and live perfectly happy lives. But real life has problems, including but not limited to unwanted pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, STDs, poverty, divorce, etc.
Now, I’m not saying that if you have sex as a teenager you WILL have ten kids out-of-wedlock with no money and lots of addictions. But I am saying that these are very real problems that are often not acknowledged by the media, and this song contributes to that myth.
We drove to Cali
And got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and
Built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I’m complete
And now we add alcohol. It was bound to happen. While it doesn’t sound like the artist is speaking as a teenager, this IS described as a teenage dream, and adding alcohol to this dream is underage drinking, which is illegal.
And there’s more sex.
I’mma get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
While it sounds like our couple is clothed now, this is still perpetuating the belief that physical intimacy is the key to a dream teenage life. While it is important, of course, it isn’t the most important thing in a romantic relationship, and is by no means the most important thing in a teenager’s life.
On a more positive note, I would highly recommend checking out Boyce Avenue’s absolutely phenomenal cover of Teenage Dream, complete with fantastic lyric adjustments that would upgrade this song to four or even five out of five cupcakes.
Pink – Raise Your Glass – Cupcake
Pink has always been an artist with powerful lyrics, which is admirable. However, many of her songs seem to have a bit of an edge, like this one, which takes it away from the much desired qualification of “gluten-free.” Four out of five cupcakes for a solid rating of Cupcake.
I’m not saying that it’s bad to have a bit of an edge (which I will explain later), but this perhaps isn’t the best song to have playing over and over and getting into your head.
Here we go:
Right, right, turn off the lights
We gonna lose our minds tonight
What’s the dealio?
I love when it’s all too much
5 AM turn the radio up
Where’s the rock and roll?
There’s nothing here that’s too objectionable. It’s all very strong, though. Losing your mind and having it all be too much and listening to the radio loud in the early morning is alright – if its done occasionally and responsibly.
Party crasher, panty snatcher
Call me up if you are gansta
Don’t be fancy, just get dancy
Why so serious?
Now we start getting a little iffy. Crashing parties and snatching panties? Hanging out with gangsters? This doesn’t sound responsible anymore…
But then–!
So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways
All my underdogs, we will never be, never be
Anything but loud and nitty gritty
Dirty little freaks, won’t you come on and come on and
Raise your glass
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Well, now this sounds a bit more encouraging! Everyone loves the underdog, and it’s appealing to encourage people to be what society may deem wrong but what is actually right.
And yet… “Loud and nitty gritty”? “Dirty little freaks”? I thought this was supposed to be praising the underdog. Why does the underdog have to be loud and dirty and a freak?
This is the edge that I was previously referring to. It’s a good message at first glance, but there’s an edge that isn’t quite right.
Slam, slam, oh hot damn
What part of party don’t you understand?
Wish you’d just freak out
(Freak out already)
Can’t stop, coming in hot
I should be locked up right on the spot
It’s so on right now
(It’s so fucking on right now)
Yikes! This definitely doesn’t sound responsible now. And we have a bit of cursing, which seems a bit unnecessary.
Oh shit, my glass is empty
That sucks!
Cursing, and the suggestion of alcohol – though it could very well be a perfectly good non-alcoholic beverage.
So if you’re too school for cool
And you’re treated like a fool
(Treated like a fool)
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always
Party on our own
And then we have the good message shining through again. We have praise for using your head instead of being focused on acting cool. We have encouragement for people feeling bullied or put down. We have an appeal to not follow the crowd, but instead “party on our own.”
And this is why this song gets four instead of three cupcakes. You can tell that the artist has good intentions here. That edge of less than responsible behavior is certainly detrimental, but the overall message of the song leans more towards good than bad. That’s what we need more of – artists who have genuine, positive messages that they wish to convey to the public. As long as you have the radio edit, you’re good to go.
Enrique Iglesias – Dirty Dancer – Empty Plate
I feel like this rating should go without saying, but since I’ve heard it on the radio, in a public square, and in a classroom, I guess it must be said. One out of five cupcakes. An empty plate.
Oh, what a lovely plate…but it will break your teeth if you try to eat it!
I feel like I barely have to comment on these lyrics. They speak for themselves.
This is for the dirty girls
All around the world
Here we go
Dirty, dirty dancer
This song is set up as an ode to a “dirty girl,” thus we’re led to believe that the description that will follow are things that the singer is praising.
‘Nother day, ‘nother night
And she acting like she don’t sleep
She’s a five when she drinks
But she’s a ten when she’s on top of me
There are so many things wrong with this verse, I can hardly believe it. First we’re idealizing being “dirty.” Next, we’re adding alcohol, which never makes things better. And now we’re adding an alarming disrespect to women by rating this one.
She don’t wanna love, she just wanna touch
She’s a greedy girl to never get enough
She don’t wanna love, she just wanna touch
She’s got all the moves that make you get it up
Not only is this inappropriate, it’s idealizing all the wrong traits. The first three lines of this verse are describing traits that are generally not desirable, yet the last line makes it sound like these are admirable things.
This verse also brings up mixing up love and lust, which is a real problem and could be a completely valid song topic if dealt with responsibly. However, it is not dealt with responsibly here, and in fact is validating sexual behavior driven by lust and not love.
She’s a dirty, dirty dancer, dirty, dirty dancer
Never ever lonely
She’s a dirty, dirty dancer, dirty, dirty dancer
You’ll never be her only
And now we’re idealizing having multiple sexual partners. Have we learned nothing from health class? STDs anyone?
It’s a game that she plays
She can win with her eyes closed
It’s insane how she tames
She can turn you to an animal
Now we’re idealizing treating love as a game, and adding suggestive imagery to reinforce the message.
And that is the song. Being played in public places as if the lyrics aren’t flagrantly inappropriate and harmful.
A popular defense of inappropriate songs is that people don’t really listen to the lyrics, or aren’t influenced by the lyrics. While this may be true for a small percentage of people who have trouble hearing lyrics, it is not true for most people. And, as with this song, the inappropriate parts are often in the chorus. How could you not be influenced if a song is titled Dirty Dancer? If you have “She’s a dirty, dirty dancer” stuck in your head throughout the day? This kind of naive thinking is what gets us in trouble.
Note: While trying to find the right lyrics for this song, I found several different versions of the song featuring various people. While many of these extra lyrics are equally if not more objectionable, I don’t know which versions are official, or which are for the radio, etc. so I only reviewed the main Enrique Iglesias lyrics.
Hot Chelle Rae – Tonight, Tonight – Crumbs
I’ll admit it: this is a catchy song. But it’s also a pretty terrible one. Two out of five cupcakes. Crumbs.
Partying. Drinking. Racism. Yikes!
It’s been a really, really messed up week
Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter
And my girlfriend went and cheated on me
She’s a California dime, but it’s time for me to quit her
The last line is a bit offensive, as if the only reason he was with her in the first place was for her looks, but overall this verse is relatively harmless.
La la la
Whatever
La la la
It doesn’t matter
La la la
Oh well
La la la
Denial. Not terribly healthy, especially considering what comes next.
We’re going at it
Tonight, tonight
There’s a party on the rooftop top of the world
Tonight, tonight
And we’re dancing on the edge of the Hollywood sign
I don’t know if I’ll make it
But watch how good I’ll fake it
It’s alright, alright
Tonight, tonight
Oh, my goodness. This is a TERRIBLE message to send our youth. Are you hearing this? This is the message: if bad things happen (which they will), don’t worry about it, don’t express your feelings, and instead just party, and act recklessly, and pretend that everything is just peachy.
Yikes.
And it gets worse.
I woke up with a strange tattoo
Not sure how I got it, not a dollar in my pocket
And it kinda looks just like you
Mixed with Zach Galifianakis
So now we’re adding alcohol – glorifying alcohol! Glorifying hangovers and irresponsible behavior and overspending. Glorifying it for teenagers, who shouldn’t even be drinking alcohol at all, since it’s, you know, illegal. And while this last line is admittedly hilarious at first, it’s also another example of how our society has lowered its standards of entertainment to such crude humor.
Just don’t stop, let’s keep the beat pumping
Keep the beat up, let’s drop the beat down
It’s my party, dance if I want to
We can get crazy, let it all out
There’s nothing wrong with dancing, per se, but when you add alcohol to people looking for ways to distract themselves from their less than ideal lives, people do start getting “crazy” and THAT is when problems start happening.
It’s you and me and we’re running this town
And it’s me and you and we’re shaking this ground
And ain’t nobody gonna tell us to go ’cause this is our show
Typical – or rather, stereotypical – teenage invincibility and arrogance. Bleh.
Everybody
Whoa, come on, all you animals
Whoa, let me here you now
“All you animals“? Um, yuck. Definitely not something we should aspire to be.
Just singing like
Whoa, come one, oh, all you party people
Whoa, all you singletons, oh, even the white kids
I’m not sure what this is supposed to imply about “white kids” – that they can’t party? It’s not like this is something propagated in pop culture – but regardless of the implication, it’s still racist. Again, yuck.
Well. This seemingly innocuous pop song certainly opens up quite the can of worms. And unfortunately, it actually does reflect the overall message of American media. But fortunately, we can learn from this, and make a conscious effort to choose not to listen to this type of music, and not to follow these suggestions, and not to propagate these messages, because as consumers we have more power than we realize.
Bruno Mars – The Lazy Song – Bare Cupcake
Best word for this song: harmless. Three out of five cupcakes. A bare cupcake. No nutritional value, but it’s not gonna kill you.
Some could argue that the overall message is bad: that it’s okay to be lazy. But it seems to me that sometimes, well, it is okay to be lazy. Just not, you know, all the time.
Today I don’t feel like doing anything
Here’s our premise. “Today.” Okay, cool, it’s a Saturday and we have no plans and are going to laze around the house all day. Alright.
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
‘Cause today I swear I’m not doing anything
Again, harmless. Not genius songwriting, but nothing to object to.
I’m gonna kick my feet up
Then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody’s gonna tell me I can’t
This part could be taken two ways: either this is inappropriate for the radio, or just a comfortable position. You could interpret it either way, but I’m leaning towards the latter.
I’ll be lounging on the couch
Just chillin’ in my Snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to Dougie
‘Cause in my castle I’m the freaking man
Yes, I said it
I said it
I said it ’cause I can
Harmless.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X
Okay, now it’s tomorrow, let’s assume Sunday. Still the weekend. Still okay to be lazy.
Plus, he’s advocating exercise! Alright!
Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she’s gonna scream out, “This is great”
(Oh my god, this is great)
This is probably the low point of the song, especially the last line imitating the girl’s voice. It’s not explicit, but it is pretty demeaning to women.
I might mess around and get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry, pops, you’ll just have to wait
I’m not terribly fond of this part, because getting a college degree actually is pretty vital for getting a good job nowadays. The only redeeming part is that he describes a college degree as something to be “proud of,” and the last line implies that yes, he’ll get the college degree someday, once he’s done being lazy.
No, I ain’t gonna comb my hair
‘Cause I ain’t going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I’ll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Definitely not stellar songwriting. But okay, fine.
Harmless.
Carrie Underwood – Before He Cheats – Crumbs
As a celebrity, Carrie Underwood has done a fantastic job of keeping herself ethically, you know, not horrifying. But Before He Cheats…yikes! Only two out of five cupcakes, leaving us with a rating of crumbs.
It’s not immediately obvious why I find this song so disappointing, so let’s take a closer look at the lyrics:
Right now, he’s probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp and she’s probably getting frisky
Right now, he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink ’cause she can’t shoot whiskey
Right now, he’s probably up behind her with a pool-stick showing her how to shoot a combo
Okay, so this song is about a boyfriend cheating. This is a perfectly valid song subject, but why are we bashing the hapless girl he’s cheating with? It seems to me that her anger is a bit misdirected.
Plus she’s criticizing the girl for not being able to “shoot whiskey,” which really isn’t that much of an accomplishment in the first place.
And he don’t know
That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
Oh. My. Goodness. Is anyone else hearing this? This is vandalism. This is illegal.
And not only is this, um, hi, illegal, but it’s a terrible terrible thing to glorify. Taking revenge on someone by destroying their personal property? Why are we telling our youth that this is appropriate behavior?
You could argue that the song isn’t specifically saying, “Hey, guys, go out and do this! This is the best course of action!”
But, really, it is saying that. Because it isn’t showing any of the ramifications. The only ramification shown is that the boyfriend might not cheat again. The song doesn’t so much as mention the immorality of her actions, or the fines she could face, or the long-term results of thinking that revenge okay.
Right now, she’s probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke
The slur “white-trash” is pretty insulting, and shouldn’t be used in a song at all.
Right now, she’s probably saying, “I’m drunk,” and he’s thinking that he’s gonna get lucky
Right now, he’s probably dabbing on three dollars worth of that bathroom polo
Again, this is simply insulting the girl and the boyfriend. Also note that none of these insults are even founded. She doesn’t know what these two actually are doing, only what they are “probably” doing, yet she’s still making these assumptions and destroying her boyfriend’s car based on these assumptions.
I might’ve saved a little trouble for the next girl
‘Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won’t be on me
Again, this is justifying and glorifying her actions, which are, of course, incredibly wrong.
It is admirable that Carrie Underwood isn’t condoning cheating. It is, however, completely inexcusable that she’s condoning vandalism.
Lady Gaga – Born This Way – Gluten-Free Cupcake
Five out of five cupcakes. Why yes. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way gets a gluten-free cupcake.
Unconventional and Delicious Cupcake
Putting aside Lady Gaga’s hype and unconventionality, this song is way important for our culture today. It’s an all too important reminder that discrimination still exists and it’s up to us to fight it.
There are tons of songs on the radio right now about loving yourself, though, from Katy Perry’s Firework to Bruno Mars’s Just the Way You Are. Why is Born This Way so special as to get a gluten-free cupcake?
Let’s take a closer look at the lyrics.
It doesn’t matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M
Wow. Way to be subtle.
Really, though. It’s WONDERFUL that Lady Gaga is coming right out and saying that religion and sexuality don’t have to conflict. Because, really, they don’t at all, but not many people are aware of that. Kudos to Lady Gaga for pointing this out.
Just put your paws up
‘Cause you were born this way, baby
Okay, I’ll be honest: I’m not totally into this whole “paws” thing. I don’t know what this means. Are we rejecting humanity and all its flaws? Are we returning to our more natural side? Are we flaunting our uniqueness? Not quite clear to me.
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
I’m not a hundred percent crazy about this, because not everyone, you know, wants to be a superstar. BUT I can see where Lady Gaga is going with this, about accepting yourself and being confident, and that’s a great message.
Also, I’m not convinced that a mom should do her kid’s hair and makeup as a way to make her be confident. The way you dress can be an awesome way of expressing yourself and being confident, but it’s not necessary. Nevertheless.
“There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are”
She said, “Cause He made you perfect, babe”
“YESSSSS” and then “Wait a second…” Because, um, we’re not perfect. Nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws. And, yes, we should love ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have parts of ourselves that we have to work on.
“So hold your head up, girl, and you’ll go far
Listen to me when I say”
I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way
Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way
I very much approve of this part. Amazing. Maybe a tad simplistic (“and you’re set”? Really?) but the overall message is fantastic.
Don’t be a drag – just be a queen
Ahhhh, I don’t totally get this either. Don’t be boring, but rather flamboyant? There seems to be more of a middle ground that Lady Gaga isn’t mentioning.
Give yourself prudence
And love your friends
Subway kid, rejoice your truth
In the religion of the insecure
I must be myself, respect my youth
This second verse is STELLAR. Prudence? Yup. Love your friends? Yup. Don’t listen to people who criticize you for your youth? Yup. GREAT job on this.
A different lover is not a sin
Believe capital H-I-M
Maybe I’m biased because I have some pretty strong opinions on this, but I think this is one of the most important parts of the song for our culture. It’s pretty frustrating to keep hearing the same verses misinterpreted to make discriminations based on sexual orientation. It’s really important for people to stop making the same claims that simply aren’t true. On a non-Christian note, in America, we don’t have one religion, so our leaders in the government cannot use religious justification to make laws. It’s should be as simple as that.
Anyway. Regardless of whether you are religious or not, Lady Gaga is still conveying an incredibly important message.
I love my life; I love this record, and
This is a tad braggy, but it’s good to hear that Lady Gaga is happy with her life, which is somewhat rare among celebrities.
Mi amore vuole fe, yah
I’ve looked up the translation for this, but I still don’t quite understand it in the context of the song. Any ideas?
Don’t be a drag – just be a queen
Whether you’re broke or evergreen
You’re black, white, beige, Chola descent
You’re Lebanese, you’re Orient
There’s been a lot of controversy over the choice of the words “Chola” and “Orient.” I don’t really hear them being used in, you know, real life, so I can’t personally speak to their level of appropriateness in the song. They don’t seem insulting to me, but maybe they would be in some communities.
Whether life’s disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
‘Cause baby you were born this way
No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white, or beige
Chola or Orient made
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave
Wonderful. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. A phenomenal close. Addressing so many issues that apply to so many people in trouble right now.
Born This Way is not perfect. But I don’t expect it to be. Little nitpicky things aside (which are more based on my preferences than any strong, overarching beliefs), this song is encouraging and thought-provoking and unafraid to confront social ills, and overall a great addition to our airwaves.
Way to go, Lady Gaga. Congrats on your gluten-free cupcake.
Gluten-Free Cupcakes 